The Distance Between Us
One day, many years later, I was incredibly bored and sitting on IRC looking for someone interesting to talk to. But IRC was becoming incredibly seedy. A lot of the conversation felt scripted, like I could already anticipate what would be asked when. So really I was just kind of staring at the screen.
As an aside, people can be incredibly weird and nasty when not talking to someone face to face. The number of strange reactions I got when I mentioned I was in a chair still surprises me. Anything from “Oh so you need oxygen tanks to get around??” (where the heck did that come from?) to “You must be lying! Because either you are in a wheelchair, or you are working. It can’t be both.”
One thing that was incredibly strong on IRC was that guys did not talk to other guys. Guys talked to girls. So you could be guaranteed that one of the first questions you’d be asked was your age, gender, and location. If your answer wasn’t what the other person expected, they would usually just stop responding. A smaller, nastier subset would engineer the entire conversation to embarrass and humiliate you.
On this particular day, I had encountered a particularly nasty group looking to humiliate, so I had decided I was going to leave IRC for a long while. But I was feeling lonely. So like I said earlier, I was just staring at the screen. Then someone started talking to me, and it wasn’t following the usual patterns. I deliberately avoided asking any of the age/gender/location questions. And it was a fun conversation.
I was talking to Janelle. She lived in the Philippines but was soon moving to Spain to start a new job. She was nervous, and didn’t speak a word of Spanish, but I could tell she was also excited. The conversation must have lasted a while, but it felt like a blink. At the end, I expected we would just wrap it up and say, “Well, I hope to see you on IRC again soon.” But Janelle thought it would most likely be a very long time until she was online again. She asked for my number. The voice in my head said maybe I was being stupid again. But really, what did I have to lose? I gave her my number.
A week or two went by. I heard nothing. I decided it was unlikely I would hear anything.
But then one night at some hideous hour of the morning my phone went. I scrambled to answer. It was Janelle, telling me about her new life. Time seemed to fly. After that first call, I slipped back into a night-and-day life: long international phone calls, learning about someone who was as far away as a person could get. In a way, as I heard about Janelle’s new life unfolding, it was like it was mine too.
Without even realizing it, I started thinking in terms of “us.” When I became aware of this, I was terrified. I didn’t want to open my black box. But I also realized that I couldn’t imagine not talking to Janelle anymore.
Long-distance friendships—let alone relationships—are hard work, filled with frequent highs and lows. They teach you that wanting someone you can’t have can be a sweet torture, but torture all the same.
Illness and Reckoning
One day in the middle of this, I went to get out of bed and instead hit the ground, my legs in extreme pain. I was stuck on that floor for a long time. Long enough to end up covered in my own filth.
By chance, a cousin decided that evening to visit me—something he had never done before. He found me and called an ambulance. I went into hospital.
I had a serious case of cellulitis. I was told two or three days of IV antibiotics and I would be alright. Two weeks later, I was still in hospital. It was almost Christmas, and the last thing I wanted was to spend Christmas there. But it looked like I was going to.
It felt like I had almost no visitors, and I was going more than a little mad. So I convinced the hospital to transfer me to Waikato so that I might at least see some of my family over Christmas. That honestly was the shittiest Christmas on record for me. But one thing was clear: something had to change. Work really was all that I had, and was it really worth it?
New Beginnings
Once out of hospital, I decided that moving back to Hamilton was a good start. I began looking for a new job. I also made a conscious effort to take care of myself. I probably failed miserably, but at least I was trying.
Finding an IT job in Hamilton was not quick or easy. For a time, things returned to how they had been. But I knew what I wanted.
For the longest time, it wasn’t practical to think of Janelle and me being in the same place at the same time. We tried to accept what we had. Patience is not my strength, so it’s amazing we lasted this way as long as we did. But eventually we realized we had to meet, to see what was really between us.
I pushed for her to come here. I didn’t want her to meet me in some place that wasn’t my environment, where I would most likely come across as a struggling cripple. I wanted to present myself and my life in the best possible way. I wanted her to see all the things I could do, not everything I couldn’t.
We started making plans, and I began telling my friends and family about this girl. Most gave me pitying looks and said, “Well, I hope it works out for you.” Others chose not to acknowledge it at all.
We pushed on, and eventually Janelle was coming for a three-month visit, with a job to return to in Spain.
Together at Last
In the middle of all this, I found a new job and house in Hamilton. As I was moving, I was terrified, but really—what did I have to lose?
NZ immigration granted Janelle a three-month visit visa. She was on her way. As soon as she was on the first plane, I imagined all that could go wrong. But I shoved that aside. Time slowed to a crawl.
When I finally waited at the airport, I don’t think I was really processing what I was feeling. Seeing Janelle’s face, and feeling a real hug, changed that to pure happiness.
The three months passed in a blink. I took as much time off as I could, but I had a relatively new job. This meant Janelle spent a lot of time at home, either alone or with Glenn (an adult student at the time) and his two-year-old son. Thankfully, this didn’t seem to faze her. By the end of her visit, we knew she would come back—for good.
Putting Janelle on the plane back to Spain was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
We knew we had to wait at least a year before she could return, as that was a commitment made to her Spanish employer. Most people who met Janelle liked her, and now friends and family couldn’t deny we were together and happy. But most thought the immigration challenge before us was huge.
If the highs and lows before were hard, now they were insane because we wanted to be together so much. Time dragged.
Eventually we applied for a nine-month visit visa, with the plan that Janelle would then apply for a work visa as my partner. This was the big time. If we screwed it up, Janelle might pay the big price of not having a job to return to in Spain.
It was tough having NZ immigration poking into all the details of one of your most important relationships. In my head, I understood why this was happening, but the heart can be another story. Thankfully, we were lucky with the people we dealt with.
Eventually, Janelle was on her way back. This time for good.
A Future Together
I gave the poor girl a real fright on her first day back. After picking her up at the airport, we went to get dinner. On the way, I managed to get tipped out of my chair. At the time, I picked myself up and carried on. But the next day, I tried to get out of bed and hit the ground. I was stuck.
In Janelle’s place, I probably would have run for the hills. But she stayed with me, and we worked through it until we found a way.
There is a lot more to our story. But we are together. Anything and everything is possible. It took us six years to be in the same place with a future. We have been married for almost two years, and aside from being my wife, Janelle is my best friend.
We have faced many challenges, either mentioned here or not. And I am sure we will face many more.
But Janelle has opened up opportunities in my life that I thought were truly dead. She also makes me a better man every day.
If you have found that one who truly makes you a better person, you understand all that I have not put into words here. If you think that there is no one for you, then I challenge you to HOPE.