A quiet knock at the door, but even before the door opens you know who its going to be. And part of you can’t help but wonder what’s coming next. Quiet words the normal stuff that starts out a normal pleasant but relatively meaningless conversation. You don’t really focus on the words themselves, but rather all the stuff that is being said without words. From what you can see she is barely in control, emotion so close to the surface.
And then it bubbles over, her voice becomes a thing of pain and words just tumble out in a rush. Words come so fast you can barely make sense of their meaning. So you bring her inside and wait for the flood of words to slow, hoping that with it the pain will ease.
She tells you things, things that make your heart break, and the world seem a little bit darker than it did before. But she doesn’t want to change things or a solution to the problem, for the moment she is only capable of feeling, not thinking or planning for the future.. Unfortunately you don’t realize this until its a little too late. You hear all of these things and your brain is working so fast trying to find solutions to the problems, even if you can just find one thing to make the situation a little bit better.
You speak offering thoughts and suggestions, and suddenly some how she is screaming and shaking saying that what she feels doesn’t matter, she doesn’t matter. If your heart wasn’t broken before it is now. And you just start repeating over and over again that she does matter, and that she always will always matter.
Finally your words seem to get through, and the energy drains from her. You wrap her in a hug, not knowing what else to do. Just wishing things were different. But knowing that they won’t be. For what seems like a long time but probably isn’t you hold her, just feeling her sob.
Then its like a switch is flicked, she is sitting up, pulling away from you not just physically but emotionally. Almost like she is rebuilding herself. There is that awkward moment when you are still holding her but it doesn’t seem right in the way that it did before.
Now the conversation changes, she can fix things, things can be different, she can be different. We are meant to suffer in life aren’t we ? As she is saying this you know you should say nothing but you can’t let it go. So for good or bad you say that you don’t believe she is meant to be in this much pain. She continues speaking as if you haven’t spoken.
She now decides it is time to go… Back to the people and places causing all this pain. For what seems like an eternity, but is probably just a moment you consider not letting her leave. Taking away her choices and making her do the things that you think she should. Surely any form of change is better than what is happening now ?
But thankfully your conscience and God intervene and you see that forcing your choices on to her is just swapping one form of pain for another. Right now quite simply there is nothing you can do, except hope and pray for the future.
Now she is gone, your heart heavy with worry like a stone around your neck. But you know that it will get lighter over time. At least for a while.