I like to consider myself as a friendly person who doesn’t make too many instant judgements, but I was finding that for the first time, that when I met a women ( in the age range that I thought of as Girlfriend possible ) I was always considering them in a sexual way first. I knew it was wrong, and I never acted on what I was thinking. But a pressure was building inside me.
Life goes on, and so all the interviews that I had had lined up were complete. In the few weeks since the bank interview, there had only been one interview that I felt went really well, but it was also a job I knew I wasn’t going to get, as the key responsibilities just didn’t fit with what I was able to do.
Knowing this didn’t help as yes I got that phone call confirming this was yet another job that wasn’t mine. I was ready to quit, and ashamed for failing my family and everyone who had supported me. I decided that tomorrow I would admit that I was done job hunting. It was time to accept my fate ….. I went straight to bed with a heavy heart.
The next morning my Auntie woke me, saying I had a phone call.
It was Brian, the IT manager who I had met at the last interview that I felt had gone well. His question was simple, are you still looking for work? With a small spark of hope my answer was Yes. He then went on to tell me that aside from the position I had applied for, they had been looking for someone with at least two years of Novell Experience for some time and had no suitable candidates. Would I consider joining them as a Trainee, on a three month trial. My instant answer was yes.
Then came the catch, we need you to start in a week!
I don’t really remember much of the week after hanging up the phone. But I do know that it was a blind panic with a lot of people helping me to make the move happen. Some how we did it and I was able to make my First Day.
For the first couple of months I was focused on my new job, in a new city. Things were keeping me busy and I was mentally tired in a way that I hadn’t really felt before. But I also realised when I wasn’t working I was alone a lot more than I was used to. Don’t get me wrong I had a number of friends who had moved to Auckland before me, and we were often together. But just like me they had new jobs, so during the week I was normally coming home to an empty room.
This room also happened to be in a Rehab Facility, as it was the only place I could find with a bathroom that would actually work for me at such short notice. If I followed the main route from where I was living to work then depending of the time of day the drive could take me an hour and a half. Thankfully once I was more familiar with the area I reduced this to a pretty reliable twenty minutes. But without even really realising I just started working long and longer hours, why would I want to go home? …. My room definitely didn’t feel like a home should.
When I was mentally tired and feeling lonely that pressure I mentioned earlier would feel so much stronger. Then one day at work I almost said something completely inappropriate, and I realised that I was considering someone in a sexual way, whom I never would have considered in that way before. Something had to change, I had to “Fix” this.