Fighting

Do you feel like you are fighting yourself?  I feel this all the time.  Normally it is the physical side of myself.  I know it is an extreme exaggeration and I am lucky in so many ways, but often I feel like I am one arm and not much else.  Even as I type this part of me want to be bad and just type like I have only one hand.  Forgetting about the limb that I affectionately refer to as claw.

As the physical challenges me, I normally stare back believing that I don’t have to win the war.  I just have to not lose today. Some days there is a quiet voice asking if I am kidding myself?  On the really bad days this voice is a crowd’s roar.  But good day or day I am always proud that I turn up to the fight.

Mental  battles are harder splitting your mind into multiple pieces and fighting the battle on so many different fronts, Any let’s be honest no one fights dirtier than the person who knows all of your deepest darkest secrets, even the ones you can’t admit to yourself.

Normally there will be one of two things dominating your mind and you are thinking these are the problems that I need to solve.  When life isn’t keeping you busy these are the things that feel like they are rattling around inside all of that empty space that is your brain.

I have spent so much time wondering, hoping and praying that I am strong in mind.  Surely I must be right ?  That is only fair because I am so weak in body.  Something has to balance it out.  Only the truth is I am probably much weaker of mind than I want to accept and even if I am “strong” there will always something or someone stronger than I can ever be.  

So for myself I try and be strong enough to do what I should or I must for today, always regretting the days where I fail.

Being strong for someone else is a much different challenge, particularly when it is someone that you love.  I tend to see a problem and want to rush in and ‘fix’ it.  When this problem is your own this approach is healthy and appropriate.  When it is someone else’s not so much.  No matter how obvious something is to you as a person outside of the problem you have to wait until they see a solution themselves.  Even when you are asked for help, make sure that you actually are helping rather than just taking the problem so that you can solve it yourself, your way.

 

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