Hi, I was looking at some writing I had done but never shared. Some is a little dark but oh well…. Hopefully it speaks to someone somewhere.

I assume most people don’t think about physical pain all that much?

Myself I think about it most days. Being in a chair there is always something that hurts, sore muscles, scrapes, muscles that don’t like moving, but don’t like staying still for too long either. It wasn’t always this way and as a kid I remember many days pain free. But at some point in my late teens normal shifted.

On a good day I am aware of the pain, but I push it aside moving it to a corner of my mind and ignoring it. Being busy and having something to focus on is a good thing. On a bad day, it is purely a battle of will. Doing what must be done and trying not to let anyone see.

You may be thinking why not let them see. And the simplest answer I can give is because I want people to see me in a positive way. And in those cases where people do see, it makes the pain more real and harder to fight. My pain hurting me is one thing. My pain hurting people I care about is something else.

I am sure by now some of you are thinking, why not just go to a doctor and get some good drugs? Honestly this answer terrifies me. Not because I don’t think that they can find a combination of drugs that will take away the pain. But because I might like it too much, every time the pain changes going back for more drugs. One day floating through life unable to live without the drugs. But with the drugs not really living, just existing.

But hey who am I kidding, there are some days that feel like that already.

When my body doesn’t want to do something it will tell me very clearly. I then have a choice, either I listen and stop. Or I say stuff that this is happening, just deal with it. Often if I keep pushing I know that it will be for a day or two at most. Then like it or not I will be forced to stop.

Being forced to stop normally means there will come a point where no matter how strongly I will something to happen my body just goes nope I’m not doing that. Unfortunately this is often half way through something where stopping really isn’t the best option. So something that would normally take 10 minutes has now taken 40. With 30 minutes of that time being you hanging in no mans land while your body decides if it is going to listen one last time, or if its going to drop your fat ass, and everything else on the ground. There is a special kind of madness where you wish that your body understood that completing one last transfer is so much easier for you and it than the minimally controlled fall to the floor, where you will still need to get back up off the ground anyway.

A more recent and scarier development on the war against pain, is the times where you really start finding it hard to think, let alone be in a battle of will. At first you just feel a little thick. Thoughts aren’t really completing, maybe you need a nap ? You know something is wrong but you aren’t reaaly sure what

Yes you do need that nap, but it won’t be for an hour or two like you think. Instead you will be out of it for 6 to 8 hours. Hopefully you didn’t have anything important planned for the rest of the day ?