I took the only option I could see that might help things, before hand I was nervous and feeling things I don’t know how to put into words. But I do know I was feeling a fair amount of shame. Was this the only way I was going to be intimate with someone? Thankfully the lady involved seemed to understand that it was not something I had done before. Looking back now I can see that I did a number of things that she found hilarious. But she at least she made sure I didn’t just feel like a transaction.

Afterwards for a while I wasn’t sure what to feel. It was new and exciting, but something was missing. I repeated the experience a couple of times, but I soon realised that not all times would be as positive as my first had been. One thing I did realise was that while I knew in my head that Sex and Love were not always linked, often emotionally I was reacting as if they were. One definite positive was the pressure I had been feeling started to lessen rather than build. I also found that I was no longer struggling with my own thoughts.

In what felt like ironic timing as I was living it, I also found I was starting to meet women who would actually consider meeting for coffee or going out with me on a date. It was beginning to feel like a whole new world.

One woman I initially met online, lets call her Tracey, she was in Auckland as well so we decided to meet for coffee. We met and she was fun, it felt like someone who could be a good friend, but there was no chemistry between us. So we would get together for coffee, or a movie. Things like that. After a couple of get togethers she suggested that I meet a friend of hers “Nicky”. I thought what the heck and agreed.

As soon as I met Nicky there was definite chemistry, and suddenly any free time I had was spent with her. What I didn’t see was the situation was much more complicated than anything I had ever been involved with before. Nicky was a single Mum, separated for around a year

At first it was all about hanging out, having fun. Then Tracey came to me saying that Nicky was in trouble and needed money for her kids, but didn’t want to ask for help. I gave her money without a second thought. Did I mention that Tracey had told me she was a nurse? Anyway requests for money kept coming, either from Tracey or Nicky in ways that seemed legit at the time. But remember this was my first job, so eventually there was a point where I had to say no.

At this point both Tracey and Nicky got a lot busier and I was seeing them a lot less. Then I get a phone call from Nicky saying her kids had been taken away by CYPS.

I was stunned, and I started asking myself was it my fault?

A complicated process followed and I jumped in trying to set things right. But I found out some truths that are hard to accept. Nicky had actually only been separated from her husband three months before we met, this time. Her kids had been taken away and returned more than once. And her and her husband have this pattern, they break up and Nicky finds another guy to make him jealous. They get back together. I never did find out what Tracey got out of the arrangement, other than some money, and knowing that she was in on the con.

My faith in humanity was an all time low. So for a while I was focused on just having a good time. Everyone else was doing it, so why not me ? I also decided online relationships were much safer.